Growing a Beard...
Isn't it kinda weird that I was just waiting for those coupla free days in which I could do all the things I've been wanting to do…And now that I have a lot of free time, I don’t feel like doing anything at all…Its like I wanna shut down for a while and grow a beard…not literally of course…that’s some psychological process that I cant express in other words! Laziness is a plague man…its weird. And the thing is: I don’t only feel bored, but also boring…and that feeling of course is a self-fulfilling prophecy…I think I actually do bore some people these days. I'm even too tired of literature…It's a shame that a passionate philologer ever gets to say that!!! I'm reading romance novels for god's sake!!!!
And although I think I need it…to be able to move on afterwards…I don’t think I'm liking it. I'm annoying myself…torturing myself by not seizing the day…by ceasing the day without having done anything constructive!! Is that again a manifestation of my masochistic tendencies?
I also get those weird sudden mood drops again…
I need someone to pull me out of all this…someone to grab me and do something about me!! I'm in a passive phase. And the ususal outings aren't a remedy but more of a painkiller.
And what's bothering me the most is that when I think of the things I'll have to do after the vacation, I feel just awful…I'll have to stand up and fight again. And I don’t feel like it at all. I don't feel like fighting. I've been fighting all my life. And right now I don't even think I'm fighting for something I want to fight for. For the first time in my life I'm actually considering being a quitter!! I'm detecting that tendency...I already made a fool of myself actually, when I left the board of the school's alumni organization…because I didn't quit, I faded out…I stopped showing up…and I'm having guilt feelings now…because I had done so damn well in the elections, I owed it to the people who voted for me to at least leave decently! In addition, I know I was a source of motivation and inspiration to some people and was considered the symbol of innovation, creativity and above all youth in that organization. But I had stopped being a board member and became a very bored member! And then I let them down. I so suck at confrontation.
And now…I won't even go see the old mosques, because the guy who had proposed that hastraveled…
And although I think I need it…to be able to move on afterwards…I don’t think I'm liking it. I'm annoying myself…torturing myself by not seizing the day…by ceasing the day without having done anything constructive!! Is that again a manifestation of my masochistic tendencies?
I also get those weird sudden mood drops again…
I need someone to pull me out of all this…someone to grab me and do something about me!! I'm in a passive phase. And the ususal outings aren't a remedy but more of a painkiller.
And what's bothering me the most is that when I think of the things I'll have to do after the vacation, I feel just awful…I'll have to stand up and fight again. And I don’t feel like it at all. I don't feel like fighting. I've been fighting all my life. And right now I don't even think I'm fighting for something I want to fight for. For the first time in my life I'm actually considering being a quitter!! I'm detecting that tendency...I already made a fool of myself actually, when I left the board of the school's alumni organization…because I didn't quit, I faded out…I stopped showing up…and I'm having guilt feelings now…because I had done so damn well in the elections, I owed it to the people who voted for me to at least leave decently! In addition, I know I was a source of motivation and inspiration to some people and was considered the symbol of innovation, creativity and above all youth in that organization. But I had stopped being a board member and became a very bored member! And then I let them down. I so suck at confrontation.
And now…I won't even go see the old mosques, because the guy who had proposed that hastraveled…
posted by Hana at 2:36 PM
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