the beauty of the 'macabre'...

I was in a cab, driving through a graveyard…beige old low buildings with iron gates and yellowish lights in the dark serenity…and I was wine-tasting the word 'macabre'…And (maybe because I'm in a positive state of mind these days) I couldn’t find the brutality of that word.
I enjoy driving through that peaceful street, which is something I've been doing every day for a good amount of days now….
Then I saw a car pulling another broken-down car through that street…and what suddenly caught my attention was that the junction between the car was not a rope, but a human being…sitting on the rear of the first car, pulling the other with his legs affixed to its bumper rod…I felt the excitement of the discovered simplicity in it…the satisfaction with the minimum, the creative problem-solving and out-of-the-boxish behavior …
This country has its unique kind of beauty…it lies not in its sights…in the usual sense of the word…it's those other sights you won't see in some other 'developed' country…there's a different kind of 'development' here…some sort of wisdom, depth, virtue, subtle, humble beauty…like the 'macabre'; and the word…I am proud of its Arabic origin, for no tangible reason.

back in the box!

Damn! Its coming up!!!…ive been trying to keep it down but its coming waaaaaaaaaaay up! Im suffering hell…and im not used to this anymore…I haven’t lost control for years now…and its as if it was never really gone, as if its been waiting for me all along…to mock me in the end…its that shadowy shit again…it keeps popping up again and again. Its haunting me and its giving me hell. Or its like that disgusting bitter fluid inside...thats coming out...right now its halfway out and im choking on it...i wanna psychologically vomit!!!

Do I fight it or would that be all in vain? Or do I just dive into pandora's box to get it over and done with?...at least hope is inside! hehe...hehe indeed!

Correcting Spontaneity

My mom just came into the room and gave me that smile…she didn't let her smile go all the way though. She remembered that she didn't like me today, so she quickly modified her reaction...and I reacted accordingly. It's like she pressed the refresh button because some error had occurred or some updates were missing on her 'sight'…She was happy to see me!... Did she have to do that?

electric shock of warmth

It shocks me again and again to see how a little moment of minimal physical contact can give u that enormous flow of warmth. That's what made my day today: A friend touching my arm in that meaningful way. I'm not exaggerating when I say that there was something magical about it. I felt so much less lonely and bitter all of a sudden. And the feeling lasts. It's not like talking; not necessarily better, but different.
I miss Italy…They hugged so often, they weren't only warm, but communicated it so openly and freely! They just acknowledged that we are not that strong and not that balanced after all…that one might need that little innocent touch. I had my favourite hug ever there...i never knew that i would ever have such a thing! Beautiful, generous Italy…where the renaissance of humanism begins!

Laughter...

When was the last time you laughed to yourself?
It happens to me quite often that I would be sitting in a cab or walking in a street on my own, remembering or imagining things and smiling about them. Sometimes a laugh pops out….which does feel a bit embarrassing, even though I tend not to care about that too much. If I saw myself in that situation, I would surely smile.
I never had troubles spending time on my own. Unless I got extremely lazy, I would always find something or some thought or dream to keep me company. Usually I sink so deep into whatever is occupying me that I become very aloof and even antisocial.
But laughter seems to be more of a social phenomenon, though a natural and often spontaneous reaction. How often does it happen that you laugh out loud when no other soul is physically around?
I could be reading a very funny book, or having a very funny conversation on the net; amusement would be showing all over my face, I imagine, and every now and then I might give out a laugh, but if the funny moments happened live in front of me, I would be laughing triple as much.
Usually, I laugh a lot—relatively speaking. And it's not like I'm laughing only because people are around!! So why don't I laugh just as much, when having fun on my own? Its that communicative factor of laughter, i guess. Never noticed it before.